diaLOG "IV"

When I lost sight of her in the crowd of people, a cheerful voice called out, "Prez!"

"Didn't I tell you to stop calling me that?" I said as I turned around. A junior from my committee was the one who called out to me. "So…are you the one who keeps stepping out of line?" In the middle of the hallway, I violently pinched their cheek. This comedy routine of ours was our daily greeting.

They came to ask me to take over some work they were in charge of, or something like that. Apparently, they were swamped with getting supplementary lessons for the final exams or something.

"Really? You can't get out of it? …Well, you've already worked hard enough during exam week, so I commend you for giving it your all. You can count on me to handle it!"

I haven't failed any of my exams and I did something like this last year, so I figured it wouldn't be too much extra work. They bowed their head over and over, then trotted off.

"Sure is nice to be young…" I muttered to myself as my junior left. Obviously, I know I'm only a year older than them.

"Oh! Teacher~, your shirt collar is wrinkled again~" I teased a homeroom teacher as he passed by my junior and walked towards me. It was the chemistry teacher. From the looks of it, he must have been pretty busy doing some firsthand research into the science of human sexuality.

"Doesn't it look fine if I wear my lab coat? Still, I didn't expect a high school girl like you to notice that…" he said.

[REDACTED]

At lunchtime, I told my friends I wasn't having lunch with them today and headed towards the girl's classroom.

The girl and I were very good friends in middle school. By some happy coincidence, we were seated in front of and behind each other on the day of the school entrance ceremony. Though, I don't really see it as fate or destiny since that's putting too much weight into it. Perhaps us sitting in front of and behind each other for lunch today is a little vestige of that time.

I liked talking, but she seemed to be interested in me because of that commonplace hobby. Exchanging information through dialogue is fun in itself, but I mostly like making people laugh. I don't have any delusions that I bring people happiness by talking to them or anything, really, I'm just happy to see someone smile. There's nothing else to it. So talking to her was fun. Her expressions would constantly shift as we chatted and she'd smile faintly. But she didn't do that just to show her sympathy, she would really listen and understand me. Though because of that, we did butt heads a few times; I guess when it rains, it pours. I felt like we could talk forever if we didn't have to go home after school every day. There were more than a few times where we stayed up all night chatting on the phone, too. Once or twice, I worried that I was forcing her to hang out with me because she was a good listener, but I realized that my fear was completely unfounded since she'd approach me first now and then. But once we became second-years and were placed in different classes, our chances to talk dropped dramatically. Plus, I even felt like she was starting to avoid me. Not knowing why just made me more anxious.

My personal creed is that if you don't try to communicate, you'll never be understood. If there's something I needed to apologize for, I wanted to do that. After making up my mind to do so, I opened the door to her class and was greeted by many people. While I said hi to everyone, I scanned the room for her. She was seated by the window and staring outside in a daze. I weaved through the web of desks and approached her.

"If it's not too much trouble, may I join you?" I asked, showing her my bento.

"...Of course you can."

When she saw me, she blinked several times, then gave me a relieved smile. It seemed she didn't dislike me, so my anxiety eased up just a bit. I sat sideways in the chair in front of her and borrowing her desk, opened my bento.

"Wow, your bento is so colorful!" I said. Whenever she opens her bento, the table immediately brightens up.

"Today's kind of meh, though… I wish I could make the rolled omelette better." She smiled bashfully.

"Huh? Today…? You mean…you make this yourself every day? Mind saving some talent for the rest of us?"

"I could say the same to you, you know."

"Come on, don't be modest! I just happened to wake up early today, so I thought I'd make my own lunch," I rushed to tease her when I sensed a difference between my intent and her words. I hadn't even revealed that I made my own bento today, so what was it about me that she found so amazing?

"No, you really are amazing," she interjected as soon as I hesitated to ask her what she really meant. "You have everything that the others don't have."

"No, no! Definitely not!" I protested while swallowing a mouthful of rice. I wonder if she thought I was some kind of superhuman mutant. "There's a lot of stuff I can't do. Like, for example: my math grades have been pretty dicey, then the teachers have been getting on my back more often, and I'm so good at sleeping in but I hate waking up early. If I could do everything, then I wouldn't even need to come to school to learn stuff, you know? Oh that reminds me, listen to this–the craziest thing happened with my boss–"

"Sorry, that's not what I meant," she interrupted me. "I'm not really good with words, so uh…sorry. Just forget it."

Apparently I got the wrong idea. She turned to the window. Her eyes seemed lonely as she looked into the distance, far past the horizon over the ocean.

We didn't talk for a little while. I looked out the window too, but I couldn't bring myself to take in the scenery. I couldn't understand what she was thinking, or what she was trying to say, or really anything about her at all. I just knew that…I couldn't help her.

"I haven't gone to see the ocean yet," she said abruptly. Each word of that statement stuck in my mind like barbs. Her expression and tone were gentle, but I felt like she was peering into a part of myself that I wasn't aware of.

"The ocean, huh? That sure brings back some memories! I really shouldn't have taken on those committee duties during summer vacation… I told myself that I wanted to go to the beach with all my classmates on the first day of vacation." In an attempt to lighten up the conversation, I played up my confusion. But she didn't react, she just kept smiling and looking out the window.

"Really… That does suck, huh…"

Ever since we started talking, I couldn't figure out what she was trying to say at all. It was even starting to annoy me. If we kept on like this, I wouldn't be able to fix anything. If I did something that bothered her, I wanted her to tell me. Resolving to tell her how I really felt, I was about to explain myself when…

"'Catchy'… I guess that's how I'd describe you."  For a moment, or maybe several seconds, I froze. "Catchy"… I think that's an adjective used to describe something that people like.

"'Catchy'…? Me?" I didn't understand what she meant, so I could do nothing but ask her to repeat herself.

"Yeah, that's right."

Before I realized it, she was affectionately looking into my eyes.

"You always have so many people around you. So many people are drawn to you. And you're able to give something back to each and every one of them… Even without me, you can…"

"... …Ohh, whaaat? You're jealous? Well I didn't expect you to be so cute~!" I reached over to pat her head, and I heard her laugh for the first time today. I remember how relaxed I felt when we hung out and teased each other in middle school. "Don't worry, it's not like I'm going to disappear on you. I mean, sure, I have a lot of friends and they rely on me for a lot of things, but they're all on the same tier. And that goes for you too." In an attempt to be a little theatric, I pointed two fingers at her. But she just dejectedly nodded her head.

"Yeah… I thought you'd say that. You really are amazing." The surroundings suddenly became noisier, and I felt like the walls were closing in on me. Somehow, the five-minute bell rang and I didn't even notice it. The faces populating the classroom were now completely unfamiliar to me.

"Huh?! The bell rang already? I really gotta get back to class… Ah, is this your seat? I'm super sorry for taking it…"

I hastily and messily packed up my bento and gave the seat back to its original owner. The girl just watched me with a tender look in her eyes.

"I'm sorry we haven't been talking much. You can stop by my class anytime, and I'll come back and see you too!" As I left, I halfheartedly told her what was on my mind, but I didn't hear her answer. Her words spun around in my mind as I raced down the hallway. I pondered on what she meant, but the sound of the late bell echoed down the halls. I broke out into an even faster pace and left her words scattered behind me.